by James Coulter

Unless you’ve been living under a rock for the past decade, you’re probably aware Disney has been remaking its animated movies into live action. So, it was only inevitable that the House of Mouse would remake its first animated feature: Snow White & The Seven Dwarves.

I’d be lying if I said Snow White was the greatest Disney movie of all time. It’s not. Not by a long shot. Sure, it’s notable for being the first animated feature-length film, but otherwise, the movie is rather simple and bland when compared to other Disney animated features.

But credit where it’s due: as simplistic as the story and characters may be, at least the animated Snow White is memorable with memorable characters and songs. It’s a movie people have watched for nearly 100 years, and no doubt, people will still watch it for many more years to come.

The live-action Snow White, on the other hand, is yet another bland, disposable live-action remake in a pile of the company’s other live-action corporate cash grabs. While people will still watch the animated movie for years to come, most likely no one will remember the live-action film a year from now.

But just how bad is the live-action Snow White? Is it so boring that it’ll make you Sleepy? Or is this movie going to make everyone Grumpy?

We all know the story. There’s a princess named Snow White. The evil queen is jealous of her beauty. So, she tries to have the princess unalived. Snow White escapes into the forest. Finds a cottage with seven dwarfs. The queen disguises herself as an old hag. Gives Snow White a poisoned apple. Snow White falls into a deep sleep. A prince drops by to kiss her. She wakes up. And they all live happily ever after. The end.

The live-action film essentially follows the same plot as the original animated feature. However, like most other live-action remakes, Disney has made several changes to make the film longer and more “developed.”

Let’s get one thing straight: the live-action Snow White is bad. However, contrary to the backlash by this movie isn’t bad because it’s “woke.” This movie wasn’t “ruined” because of “wokeness” or “DEI” or any other empty buzzword. This movie is bad because it’s bad.

But before I tear this movie a new one by explaining why it’s bad, allow me to comment on some of the “good” things about the movie.

First, the lead actress, Rachel Zegler. Contrary to some opinions she is not the “worst” thing about this movie. While her performance as the titular Snow White isn’t perfect, it’s quite evident she’s a talented actress making due with the script she was given. She is a Broadway-trained actress with a background in musical theater, after all. And that’s not a pedigree to sneeze at. The girl clearly has acting chops, and she knows how to carry a tune. Again, while her performance wasn’t perfect, it was still rather decent.

Next, the opening act. The original animated movie simply dropped the audience into the story in media res, only offering a few sentences from a storybook to deliver the backstory. In this remake, Snow White’s backstory is more developed. We’re shown her childhood living in her happy kingdom with her mother and father before the evil queen showed up to ruin everything.

And then there’s the opening number. Several new songs were written for the live-action remake. And out of all of them, “Good Things Grow” is probably the only one I’d consider good. It’s a real jovial, toe-tapping number that sets up how good Snow White’s kingdom was before the Evil Queen took over. In fact, it’s one of the best numbers in the films, and one that I enjoyed.

Sadly, it’s the only good song in the movie. And those were the only few good things about it. Everything else? Not so much.

While Rachel’s performance as Snow White was fair, Gal Gadot’s performance as the Evil Queen, on the other hand, like the Queen herself, proved not to be the fairest in the land. You have to feel sorry for Galdot. While her performance as Wonder Woman was superb, her other performances in other movies show she’s not that great of an actress. And whoever said Gal Gadot could sing was lying.

Oh, yes! Gal Gadot sings. The Evil Queen gets her own villain song. But don’t expect a “Poor Unfortunate Souls” or “Be Prepared.” In fact, her song, “All Is Fair,” sounds exactly like what you would get if you fed all of the other Disney villains songs into AI and asked it to create a new song. It’s that generic and unappealing. And Gadot’s lack of singing ability doesn’t help.

Speaking of musical numbers, all of the other original songs aren’t any better. “Waiting on a Wish” also sounds like what you would get if you fed every Disney “I Want” song into AI and asked to make a similar song. It even sounds eerily similar to Moana’s “How Far I Go” mashed up with Wish’s “This Wish.”

“Princess Problems” is so bland and forgettable I even forgot what it was about other than Snow and her prince bickering. And the “Hand Meets A Hand” musical number is essentially a less enthusiastic version of Tangled’s “I See The Light”, even down to the princess and her love interest singing about how much they’ve come to have feelings for each other, all while surrounded by glowing lights.

And let’s talk about the prince character. Evidently, the movie makers wanted to better develop his character, seeing as how the prince in the original animated film didn’t make much of an appearance, let alone say that many lines. So, the good news is that the prince in this version was given a character.

The bad news is that he was given Flynn Ryder’s character from Tangled. I’m not kidding. The “prince” isn’t even a prince in this version. Instead, he’s the leader of a band of robbers who reside in the woods and steal in the name of the King. (Think Robin Hood and his Merry Men!) He’s a charismatic, sarcastic vagabond who doesn’t see the point in doing anything but stealing, only to be encouraged by the main female character that there’s more to him than being a lowly thief.

In other words, he’s Flynn Ryder from Tangled. He even looks like him sans the goatee!

And you know how the prince in the original movie didn’t have a name? Well, this prince—er, theif!—does. His name is Jonathan. Yes, Jonathan. A name so generic and bland you’ll forget what it was, even after he introduces himself.

But perhaps the worst aspect of the movie is the seven dwarves. Remember how the dwarves in the animated movie had unique designs that revealed their characters and personalities without needing to tell you their names? How you could tell Sneezy looked sneezy? Or Sleepy looked sleepy? Or Grumpy looked grumpy?

Well, in the live-action remake, all of the dwarves are CGI abominations straight from the Uncanny Valley with the most generic-looking character designs. And unlike their animated counterparts, whose designs were so unique you could tell who was who without them telling you their names, these computer-animated atrocities need to introduce themselves via song.

Yes, both “Heigh-Ho” and “Whistle While You Work” make a comeback in this movie. And in both cases, both performances are needlessly overblown with bombastic orchestrations and additional lyrics to make them more “cinematic” for live-action.

Returning to the dwarves, originally, and allegedly, Disney had planned to cast little people to play them. But Peter Dinklage got all grumpy (pun intended!) on a podcast, so Disney made them all CGI. That’s disappointing. By trying not to appear offensive toward little people, they robbed actual little people of an opportunity to appear in motion pictures. By trying to be “culturally sensitive”, Disney ended up engaging in cultural erasure.

Overall, if you want to watch a live-action Snow White, consider watching Snow White & The Huntsman or Mirror, Mirror. Neither film is perfect, but they’re sure to be more entertaining than watching Disney’s live-action leftovers. Give Snow White as much attention as the other Disney live-action movies deserve. Which is none!