J.C. Reviews: In Which I Review Thelma the Unicorn in Rhyme
by James Coulter
Sometimes, you watch a movie that’s so bland, so generic, and so boring that talking about it would only make you sound equally bland, generic, and boring. I don’t want to write such a review. And you don’t want to read it.
So, in an attempt to write an interesting review of a movie that’s anything but, I will be reviewing Thelma the Unicorn in limerick form. (Apologies to Yahtzee Croshaw from Zero Punctuation for blatantly ripping off this idea.)
Ahem.
There once was a pony named Thelma,
Who was faced with quite the dilemma:
She wanted to go far
As a rock superstar
But she had the appeal of Max’s Velma.
Her day job is pulling cow s**t
On a farm, and here, I admit
That I let out a wail
And wanted to bail
When she got comically covered by it.
Her friends are a llama named Reggie
And a donkey who plays D&D.
There’s not else to say
For they just get betrayed
In the first act break-up, you see.
They attempt to play a talent show,
Yet all of the judges say, “No!”
Before they can play.
Cause they can tell right away
That their act is going to blow.
Now Thelma is feeling quite bitter
When opportunity literally hits her,
For a truck on the road
Being driven by a chode
Covers her in pink paint and glitter.
Having put on her head a stray horn
She gets mistaken by folks as a unicorn.
Upon seeing her chance
She does a song and dance
And now a new pop star is born.
There’s also a narwhal named Vicki,
A pop star who’s frankly quite icky,
For when Thelma goes viral
And becomes her new rival
See seeks to end her life quickly.
Her new manager, Vic Diamond, his name is,
And his entire schtick is he’s British!
He’s a real bloody wanker
Who sounds like the announcer
Of Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous.
Really, there’s not much to say,
For this plot has been overplayed
In movies of yore
Many times before,
Leaving older viewers dismayed.
The message, as learned by the pony,
Is “Just be yourself, not a phony!”
We’ve heard it before
So, it’s really a bore
To hear it again from this movie.
And what can I say about the animation?
They’re clearly ripping off Illumination!
It’s so plain to see
It’s look like Despicable Me.
But at least there aren’t any minions!
The soundtrack is really abysmal,
Just another jukebox musical.
Filled with too many ditties
Ripped straight from the 80s.
Of which we’ve enough of our fill.
When I looked up who made this, it shocked me.
The directors who made Nacho Libre?
And Napoleon Dynamite?!
They turned out THIS shite?!?
I guess they ran out of creativity.
And the book this is based on? Surprise!
Made by the dude who wrote The Bad Guys!
This should have been better,
Which makes it only sadder
That this movie I really despise.
In short, it shouldn’t be surprising
That Thelma the Unicorn, I’m despising,
You want an animated flick
Available on Netflix?
I suggest you watch Ultraman: Rising!
