Welcome, World Travelers! Trolls: Band Together—Ugh, I’m Too Old For This!
by James Coulter
Plenty of movies inspire people to ponder life’s big questions. How did the universe begin? What is its grand purpose? am I doing with my own life? And what compelled me to watch the third Trolls movie?
Seriously, why did I watch the third Trolls movie?!
Well, the answer to that question is simple enough. It was a choice between watching and reviewing that movie or the Hunger Games prequel, The Ballad of Songbirds and Snakes. I decided to watch this movie instead. (I may have made the wrong choice!)
Honestly, I don’t even know why I should even bother reviewing this movie. The only reason anyone would watch the third Trollsmovie is because they’re the parents of children who have already seen the first two movies (and perhaps even the Netflix animated series) and they begged to watch the new movie in theaters. Otherwise, there’s no good reason why anyone, including an adult, would willingly watch this movie.
Trolls: Band Together follows the main protagonists of the first two Trolls movies, Princess Poppy and Branch. Now, stop me if you heard this premise before: Branch was formerly a member of a boy band, BroZone—STOP!
Yes, we’ve heard this story before. Once there was a super popular band, but the band members didn’t get along and eventually broke up. Years later, someone tries to get the band back together. So, they go on a road trip to track down the other members who have all grown up and moved on with their lives. They’re convinced to drop what they’re doing and get the band back together. Eventually, they all reunite, only to end up fighting and remembering why they broke up in the first place. But they eventually set aside their differences and put on the big musical number that convinces them to start playing again. And they all lived happily ever after. The end!
Again, we’ve all seen the “getting the band together” plot done before. If you’ve seen The Blues Brothers, The Muppets, or—Heaven forbid!—the Country Bear Jamboree, you’ve seen this story done before, and the only reason you would watch this plot done again is if it added something new and more interesting. Trolls: Band Together doesn’t offer anything new or interesting.
Oh, wait, never mind, there is a “new” twist. Turns out Branch and his long-lost brother (John Dory) need to get the band back together because their other band mate was captured by two pop star twins (who look like rejects from Ruby Gillman) who are stealing his talent (quite literally) to use as their own. Oh, and Poppy has a long-lost sister. And the small shiny troll that farts glitter is in this movie. Because, of course! Why not?
Fine. For the sake of “fairness” (and because I need to pad out this piece long enough to count as a formal review), I’ll list three things I liked about this movie:
1) The Animation. Unlike other DreamWorks movies, which essentially look like every other DreamWorks movie (save The Bad Guys and Puss in Boots: The Last Wish), this movie does have a unique art style. Many of the textures to the character models and world look like they were made from different material, from felt and fur to paper and plastic. One character looks like a wig made from shredded-up paper sent through a paper shredder (you’ll know them when you see them). And the water effect looks like those little plastic bubble (the ones that look like popping boba)—so that’s pretty neat. At the very least, this movie has a unique look and feel from other 3D movies (not as unique as Spider-Verse or The Last Wish, but unique nonetheless).
2) The Music. Like the other Trolls movies, this film is a jukebox musical with plenty of random music numbers strewn within the storyline. At the very least, the music is good—though, honestly, I don’t know if it’s because the music is performed well or if it’s because it’s popular music that other people like so people like them because they like them.
3) The “Hustle” Animated Scene. There’s a sequence where the characters push the “hustle” button. That button turns the film into trippy 2D animation that looks like something from Yellow Submarine. It’s trippy and cool!
And that’s it. Those are the only good qualities of the movie. Unless you have children who are dragging you to the theater to watch this film, if you are a grown adult with agency, you don’t need to watch it. You shouldn’t watch it.
Honestly, between this and the Paw Patrol movie earlier this year, I feel bad dissing movies that are made for little kids. I feel like a grumpy adult who’s too old to know what the kids are into these days. Sometimes, I wonder if I should forgive films like this because “they’re made for little kids.” But then I remember that would be a massive cop-out. Something being “made for kids” should not excuse low quality. Kids deserve better!
